I immerse myself into the Void;
brittle bones give way
to primal forces of creation.
I become
a dancer,
a lover,
a villian,
a raving lunatic,
a thief,
an innocent…
reborn again and again
into something new, contradictory.
This is the alchemy from which I write.
Close your eyes to the dream,
open your eyes to the word.
Lynn Mari, “Alchemy of a Poem” ©2007
Remembering….
Just graduated from high school
Awarded an Alan Page scholarship,
I imagined the world before my eyes
would be as exciting as the life of
the Zelda Fitzgerald
I wore baggy jeans (to drive Mom crazy)
And a mini backpack filled with my poetry
Slung over one shoulder
Like most Eastside girls, greased my hair back into a bun
—One curl hanging down was my signature
Foxy Brown bumpin’ my CD player
She was just a year older than me,
All that I wanted to be
With those sassy brown eyes
And smooth flowing lyrics
A real Big, Bad Mama.
Thought I was so careful
After that awful night,
When I was stolen into the darkness
A trip to the gas station for a cold drink
Resulted in a loss so profound
I refused to speak, or name
The brutality done to me
In silence, I came home
Hid my dirty clothes beneath my bed
And refused to leave my room
So I wrote poetry
Wondered about Zelda as a Hip-Hop Flapper
She would be stylin’ in a short fringed skirt and Timberlands…
Zelda I understood—
She knew a good time,
When inwardly life was spinning out of control.
After high school,
I received a computer as a graduation gift
My family was so proud
That I delivered the speech at my graduation
That I received the Page scholarship
That I held down a part time job, two in the summer
I feel I let them all down,
When I used that computer to go online
And again stumbled into the darkness
When I met a much older man.
I really thought I was being careful when I met him
He said all the right things: I was smart, he loved my poetry,
My Mom didn’t understand me—I had to get away from her.
I carefully dressed for our first date,
Those baggy jeans with a sporty coat
Meant I was “something” on the Eastside,
He saw through whatever was there
Young girl with no father at home
Didn’t even have a driving license
All that toughness meant I had something to hide
I was just an eighteen-year old girl with a head full of dreams
Meeting an old man wearing a Mr. Rogers sweater at the zoo,
To Him, I was not pretty or smart
He never loved me,
(Although he lied and said he did)
He was checking out another eighteen-year old girl at the time…
I never meant anything to Him though he chose me
While I was laughing at the monkeys,
Eager to share my poetry,
He had a plan
Taking control of vulnerable, abused teenage girls—
Scared and alone and running away.
I liked “Winnie the Pooh” so He bought me stuffed animals
And cups shaped like Eeyore, Tigger, and Pooh
I was too young to go to clubs but liked to explore
So He took me to places where I could run free
I took off my shoes and ran barefoot in the grass,
Even climbed a few trees
He listened to the music I liked, buying new CDs
He never could dance, pointing and jutting his belly
He looked like a beached whale
Fighting for air on some forsaken beach
Later, He would make fun of my music
He would find fault with everything I did
I found it best to stay small and out of sight
He did not have any adult friends,
So we wandered without destination, alone
He did not like my friends—
I avoided fights and accusations by avoiding them,
While pretending everything was “fine”
I learned not to speak, just to smile.
At eighteen, I did not have a license
So He drove me around—
Keeping me up all night to be me close to him
Wandering into rural back roads, stars overhead
He told fantastic stories of the connection between us
When I pulled away from his advances He was suddenly cold
Stomping, throwing his fists, and then the smile…
The smile of being utterly isolated in the woods as he told
Scary stories of demons and UFO’s, then lunged for me,
As if I was only safe within his arms.
Later, when all my defenses were broken,
He put his hands over mine and I took the wheel,
Even when his shadow was long gone
I would feel his presence,
Feel the crazy tip of the car in the wake of his rage
Choking on the roar of the wind as two wheels
Skidded from lane to lane…
Calm was a secret yearning unmet,
Even alone I was afraid to be in the driver’s seat.
I learned to be afraid when He smiled, because it meant
Something awful was going to happen
That He is hiding something
That my world is to be shattered,
My tears ground into the splinters of glass
Until my very eyes bleed
With a smile, He lunged for my breasts
With a smile, He screamed “I did not appreciate him”
That I am a “bitch”, a “manipulator”, that I need “practice”
Large hands that smashed sheets of dry wall
And raised walls of lumber
Now pulled at my clothing,
Grabbing for my body
I was supposed to just take it
Because that was He wanted
So I learned to smile, to lie inside
I learned to “be appreciative” and hoped things would change
A part of me thought…Maybe something is wrong with me?
I didn’t want to believe the one person who seemed to care
The one person who seemed to understand
Would ever, could ever hurt me
That horrible night so long ago on the Eastside could not prepare me
For the nightmare that was to become my life for the next nine years.
No longer a girl, no longer a dreamer,
I now carry a diaper bag and not a mini backpack
The lives of children—
Is a dollhouse upturned by violence
My son raises a fist to protect me,
Mommy is not as strong as the mean Daddy
My daughter cares for the house
Cleaning up the mess, wiping tears—
Just as I have cleaned up broken glass,
Picked up the toys thrown against the wall,
Pretending everything is okay…
Wile I wipe the tears of my children away.
After one last act of rage,
I have begun the journey to break free
Memories bleed
Reminding me of the unnatural freedom of being thrown
Through the air, limbs spread like broken wings
The dull thud of being slammed down again and again
Silence broken by my screams
The terrible cost to finally get away.
Standing on a street corner at dusk,
Using the last coins in my purse
To make desperate phone calls to shelters,
Pleading for help.
I can ask for help now,
And fall into the arms that will catch me
Though I will always look over one shoulder.
Lynn Mari, ©2007.
Energy lingers
neither can it be created or destroyed,
it is the silent denial we breathe.
Lynn Mari, ©2007
Remembering Through–
The Journey of Soul during meditative state
Body relaxed, subsconscious awake
Secrets of mind and creative link to reality
Powers through the Divine, never finality
Soaring in that sacred space
Remembering knowledge gained for all Earth’s grace
Raising many through works of soul and heart
A true calling, a sacred spiritual art
All received from the unseen to you
Reminding that there is much here to do
A teacher, healer, may be much more
Leading multitudes to and through their journey’s door
Have true intent, focusing love, to be most receptive
As a receiver for those to gain new perspective
Speak the Language of Light for others to receive
Messages of healing, embracing the old; then release to relieve
So when on the meditative journey in that space this night
Be open in trust, as you receive wisdom and insight in the Light
The Sacred Light and Love, messengers from above
Are descending upon you as the precious symbolic dove
Ignore murmurings of the unenlightened ones
The seeds have been planted for when their time comes
The more that’s been given, the more that is required
There is more to the picture; look at what’s transpired
Seek not for self glory as more is given
In the human body, balance all things; life is for livin’
You will fast become all you truly are
By listening to your inner knowing; dare to go far
Fear not to go where you’ve been away from for so long
Through the process, you are becoming an eternal sacred song
Stay true to yourself in all you say and do
You’ll always receive what’s needed for you
The quest is a Glorious one
You are One with ALL THAT IS
Keep having fun! (although challenging at times)
Katherine Osborn, ©2007
You are God’s Gift, touching each heart
Mirroring issues through awareness; processing to impart
Deep appreciation for healing had, releasing stored pain
Letting go of unnecessary issues, for life to regain
From heights of Being, gratitude can be expressed
For opening hearts to love; no longer repressed
Dark Nights of the Soul has visited time and again
Rendering feelings and thoughts as to how it will all end
The inner knowing comes forth with undeniable assurance
“This too shall pass” and is always worth the endurance
Deeper wisdom, compassion, and strength comes with each shift
Leaving the Heart full of love’s essence; a Divine Gift
You are God’s Gift, helping others to remember anew
Who they Truly Are; refreshed with clearer view
As the heart is held open, the more love there is to be embraced
Sharing this love with others so their pain, too, may be erased
In relationships, you’ve had courage to face each as a mirror
In continuing the process, the veil will grow sheer
The Transformational Power of Love is authentically real
Validating God’s Gift of You upon other’s Soul to seal
You Are God’s Gift
Katherine Osborn, ©2006
Know that fear leads to nowhere,
Going nowhere you are lost.
Being lost means that you must be found.
To be found, you must look within.
To look within, you must seek.
To seek, you must desire to know.
To desire to know, reveals the deep seeded stirring within
The deep seeded stirring within wants to be brought to light
To be brought to light you will have internal fight
You must let go of fear,
You must let go each tear.
Love, peace, and harmony are to be found
You no longer need to feel trapped or bound
You are awakening as all of mankind
And you will have the strength to find
All you were looking for to be whole
Was always inside of you there to unfold.
Revelation is for each to be had
No sense in being lost and feeling sad
You’ll discover that you really are much more
Living life more fully and shinning from your core
Katherine Osborn, ©2004
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